when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Life without a bra equals bliss.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
