I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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