Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
