someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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