My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
