theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize