While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize