haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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