i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
