Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize