Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
