its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
