I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
