he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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