so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
