i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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