I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Randomize
