I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
