What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
