It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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