He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
