I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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