Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I came so hard my ears popped.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
