I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
