why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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