We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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