I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
