Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
