community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
