you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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