Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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