I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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