She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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