i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
