If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
