dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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