I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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