she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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