Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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