So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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