The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
