M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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