...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
