Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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