You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
