so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
