Cold hands, warm shart.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Randomize
