Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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