Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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