she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
