note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
