you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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