I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
barbara walters just said penis...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
