I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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