let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize