No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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