So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I am naked and annoyed.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
