Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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