Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
