People in love make me want to vomit
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
