Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
