so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
