Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
