it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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