Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
